With Shattered Bones
by ladymal
Summary: Having drunk from the Well of Sorrows, Saehin Lavellan struggles after meeting Mythal in the Fade. Warnings: Discussions of suicide. Part of my series 'The Wolf and the Wild Dalish Elf'. One-shot.


A/N: Name pronunciation and elven translations at the end.

* * *

The shaking started as soon as Morrigan had gone. The heavy door had swung shut behind her, hiding Saehin in the little room at the back of the garden, and then the shaking had started and she couldn't seem to stop.

She'd been calm while speaking with the creature that was Mythal and when she had learned exactly what it meant to have drunk from the Well of Sorrows. But now- alone as she could ever be with the whisperings from that cursed thing lingering in her ears- she could feel something within her crumbling. Pieces of it were falling, tumbling and crashing like stone blocks and turning her legs weak as each shockwave shuddered through her.

The Eluvian was silent but its presence was a darkness at her back- a hollow where nightmares lived long and slumbered deep, patient in their hunger. It was a great eye, stripping her bare; a terrible, gaping mouth waiting to swallow her whole.

Terror- sudden and violent- surged forth and almost drove her to her knees. Gasping, Saehin staggered until she found something solid and slapped a hand against it. Her chest was tight and her heart pounded against its walls, desperate to escape. She squeezed her eyes shut against her rising panic and fought to bring her body back under control.

_Be calm. Dar'atisha._

The thought did little. Panic snatched at her breath and made staying on her feet as difficult as if the ground itself was rioting against her. She was little more than a sapling in a storm; whipped this way and that as the wind blew as it will. The more she struggled to brace herself- to simply _survive_\- the harder the tempest beat at her. It was all spinning around her; pitching in the wind. She was drowning. She was _drowning_-

"Saehin?"

Her eyes stung as she opened them to see Cole standing a few feet away with pale eyes wide with concern.

_Fenedhis. Not now. Go and leave me be, spirit._

Her vision was blackening at the edges and she swayed. She knew she had to calm herself or collapse here but she couldn't. She was gasping for air as heavy as water and it was never enough. Hands were around her throat; tight as iron. Clawing and crushing and stealing everything from her.

"They aren't real. You are you and it can't keep you. It can't see you in your head. Remember here. The sun. The wind. The birds in the sky."

She dragged her nails hard down the stone until they cracked and bled and tried to ground herself in the pain.

"No," he said and suddenly he was too close and removing her hand from the wall with a gentle grip.

She jerked and almost fell but Cole managed to slip under her arm so that she could lean on him. Her fingers throbbed as she clutched at his shoulder but she only dug them in so that the ache shocked her nerves like lightning.

"No," he told her again. He shook his head and the brim of his hat brushed at the top of her head. "Hurting won't help. You are here. Not her. Breathe and breathe and breathe until you come back."

_Breathe and be calm_, some corner of her mind whispered. _Be still. You will not be undone_. She inhaled as slowly as she could manage, held it, and let it go. Then she did it again and again until the world had stilled and her mind had found its way through the chaos and to the surface.

_You will not be undone._

Somehow, her eyes had fallen shut again and when she opened them it was to bright sunlight. Cole had moved her to stand in front of the diamond-paned window and she hadn't even noticed. She felt frail- aged a hundred years in moments- but she found the strength to shove away from him. Her legs teetered dangerously but in the end, they held. A small victory.

"Stop." The word was gravel against her raw throat and she swallowed then choked out a cough. She'd have done better to swallow glass and be done with it. "Don't- Don't touch me."

"It doesn't lessen. It lightens," he said earnestly. His feet shifted but he stayed where he was. "Takes what's strong and makes it stronger. You don't need to be afraid."

Her face was damp with sweat and tears that she couldn't remember crying and she lifted a trembling hand to wipe it away. As she stared at the wetness on her fingers, a wild laugh bubbled up and threatened to burst. Suddenly, she was crying again but she only let her hand fall limply back to her side. _I've drunk too many sorrows and now they leak out of me like water out of a broken kettle._

Panic still lurked- straining at her skin like some sort of feral creature- and she knew she couldn't stay here. Here where the walls of Skyhold loomed and trapped her. A shemlin's cage that left her exposed to sly eyes that were always, _always_ watching. She needed the uncaring wilderness where there was only the sky and the trees and the earth and she could be forgotten. She needed to leave or lose even what tatters of herself she still had.

With fumbling fingers, she tugged at the scarf around her neck until it partially covered her face and pulled her hood low over her eyes. She was without her staff but she wouldn't go to her quarters to fetch it. She would not be a ruined spectacle for the courtiers to gawk at.

"I can come with you. Hide so you can't see. That way you can be alone but not."

Cole was watching her, his expression soft with a kindness that stabbed at her chest, sharp as a blade. It pried at the cracks and it _hurt_ and _she didn't want it_. She had to leave before it looked inside and it all came falling out. She didn't think she could survive if it did.

"_No_," and the word caught in her throat but came out as cold and cruel as anything she'd ever said. "Stay away from me. I didn't ask you to- _Leave me be_."

She shoved past him and ran.

* * *

"You have to help her."

Solas looked away from his painting and at Cole. The spirit was sitting cross-legged on the desk and peering at him from beneath his hat with his mouth curved into a frown. In his hands, he clenched a familiar pair of fur-lined gloves. Solas didn't truly need to ask whom he meant but he did, regardless.

"Who must I help, Cole?"

As might have been expected, the question was ignored.

"She doesn't like it when I help even when I do," Cole said. "_Ashamed. Weak. Worthless. I can't let them see_. I told her but she couldn't hear."

His heart tight in his chest, Solas turned back to the wall and the fresco. It was nearly finished but for the waters of the Well and the figure that stood within. She would be little more than a silhouette of light in the end but he had not been able escape thoughts of her while he painted. The curve of her smile; her laugh, low and quiet. The fierceness of her eyes when challenged. _Ar lath ma, Solas. Ma emma arla_. The sound of it carressed his ears as it had for weeks. Perhaps that was why the spirit came to him when his own efforts with Saehin had failed.

Or perhaps, Compassion simply could not understand what it meant to love what was lost to you.

"I'm sorry, Cole. I cannot," he said at last. Clasping his hands behind his back, he turned to face him. "The Inquisitor would not welcome my interference. Nor do I wish to inflict it. She is a strong, capable woman and it would be best if I let her be."

The words made him feel hollow but it would be a mistake to do anything else. He would only cause more pain to them both by involving himself. Yes, this was for the best.

"No." Cole shook his head stubbornly. "Hurts fester and get worse. Leaving them makes them grow. Spread. Poison. Until it's all there is. She won't be able to find her way back again."

"Cole-"

"She still thinks hurting will help!" He burst out. "She won't listen to me but she'll listen to you."

"She thinks-" Alarm beat in his veins. "Explain what you mean by this."

"She's bound now. Like I wanted to be only not by choice. It pulls at her." His voice changed, low and quiet and full of pain. "Dark and smothering. Taking and holding and drowning. Forcing her to obey. She fights. She always fights. Thrashing against the shadow. Screaming into nothing.

"It loosens then lets go. She's hers again but not. It isn't gone only waiting. _Never again. __**Never**__ again. I will __**die**__ first_."

Heavy silence fell between them. Solas stared at the spirit, troubled and uncertain by what he had just heard. He could not believe Saehin capable of such a thing. Compassion would not lie but she was a being of strength and defiance. Unyielding. She would not- _She would spit in the eye of a god and call it a victory._ Cold fear crept through his veins and to his heart. If that was truly what she intended...

"Good," Cole sighed out in relief. "Follow the road."

He disappeared without another word. After a moment, Solas walked over to his desk and picked up the gloves that had been left behind. The spirit had wrinkled the dark leather and he carefully smoothed it out with a frown. Then he tucked them into his belt, picked up his cloak and his staff, and prepared to make his way out into the wilderness.

* * *

Saehin didn't remember much of how she came to be in the frozen mountain range outside of Skyhold. She knew she had walked the battlements to the stables and been stopped by no one. That Ynaharas had been saddled. That the run along the thin, twisting road was a blur of white cold and thundering hooves as bitter fall air whipped tears from her eyes. And eventually, they had stopped high on a mountain path that overlooked an icebound valley sparkling in the late sun.

Her hands had gone numb some time ago but only now- when she had ridden far enough for the mountains to hide Skyhold behind their rugged forms- did she pay it much mind. The tan skin was red and when she flexed them experimentally, a tingling ache needled the flesh. She breathed into them- warming her breathe with a small burst of magic- then tucked them into her coat. Yna flicked an ear and huffed quietly as she dropped the reins but otherwise ignored her.

Saehin shifted in the saddle and sighed. The panic had finally faded into nothing more than a nervous clench of her stomach- a small stutter in her heartbeat- when she let her thoughts wander too far. It was a relief that brought its share of shame, as well. She had behaved like a child, terrified by the things that hid in the dark.

_The decision was yours,_ she reminded herself. _Nothing has been forced upon you that you did not take willingly_.

And truly, nothing had changed. She was as she has always been with thoughts and feelings that were still her own. Even then, with another's will pressing close, suffocating and _forcing_, she had never lost either. She took a shuddering breath.

_You are as you were before._

_You are free._

The words flashed white-hot and she flinched. That had been a unfortunate thing to think and a blantant lie had taken the vallaslin from her face and released her from a legacy of slavery that she hadn't even known she'd been preserving. She had been proud when Solas had said those words to her, not yet aware of what the Well really meant. But now, she knew the truth of it. She had not been free since the moment she had accepted the Vir'abelasan and- by Mythal's will- never would be again.

_Oh, yes_. A bitter laugh stuttered out of her and tore at her aching throat. _I have been a very great fool_.

Familiar pain settled in her chest. She did not want to think of this- not now, not ever- but the need to know _why_ made her constantly pick at the wound until it bled. In quiet solitude, the memory pulled her back in; a sorry creature that was too wretched to know when to stay away. She could still see his face, the change as he stepped away from her and became someone else. Someone who had never kissed her or smiled with her. Never shared with her stolen moments or given her the hidden parts of himself to keep.

Someone who had never loved her.

Yna whickered loudly and tore Saehin from her thoughts. Another horse answered and she welcomed the distraction until she looked up and the gentle relief turned so swiftly she felt ill. Cold slithered down her belly and she tensed, hardly able to believe what she was seeing. _What is he doing here?_

On the rocky path below her, was Solas.

Bundled up against the cold as he was, she recognized his horse before she did him. Ranehn was dancing and tossing his head as he was led by the reins at a measured walk. Even from here, she could see the muscles beneath his freckled coat bunching and straining with his ever-present urge to run.

Solas must have felt her staring because he looked up. Her heart leaped to her throat as she met his eyes. Over the past few weeks, she had been very careful to maintain a wall between the two of them; never getting to close or speaking more than necessary and _always_ being sure that they were never entirely alone. It was the only way she knew how to face him every day and not feel as if each moment was an agony.

Finally, Saehin blinked, grabbed the reins in a painful grip, then turned Ynaharas and rode down to meet him. When she was a few feet away, she stopped but kept her hood up and scarf around her face. As had become the norm when he was around, her throat felt tight and she couldn't stop the frown that crinkled her brow. She didn't wait for him to speak.

"Is something wrong at Skyhold?"

"No, all is well, Inquisitor." He pulled his own scarf down to reveal his face and while he regarded her with his usual reserve, his eyes watched her closely. "I simply wish to speak with you."

She said nothing for a beat then gave him a cautious nod.

"The path is wider up ahead," she told him as she swung Yna around. A few small rocks were kicked loose by her hooves and skittered down the mountainside. "We can talk easier there."

They were silent as they walked. Though Solas remained several steps behind her, she felt his presence prickling her skin as if he was close enough to touch. Once there was room enough on the trail, she slid lightly from the saddle and left the reins looped on the horn. After a moment's hesitation, she uncovered her face and turned to him.

"What is it?" she asked and one corner of her mouth unwillingly tugged down in a grimace.

He took a pair of gloves- hers, she realized- from his belt and held them out to her. "Cole wished me to ensure you were given these."

Careful to avoid brushing his hand with hers, she took the gloves and pulled them on over her chilled fingers. They were comforting and welcome but she had difficulty feeling grateful.

"There's another reason you came out here," she said.

"There is." His eyes ran over her face and the hairs on the back of her neck raised at the scrutiny. "Cole is very concerned for you and after speaking with him, I admit, that I am as well. He seemed to believe that you were about to do something...unwise."

Heat licked at her belly and she did not need to ask what he meant.

"Is that so?" she murmured, her expression hard. "That is serious. Who then will fulfill my duties? Attempted suicide is a sizable distraction, after all."  
He furrowed his brow at her. "Is that what you intend?"

A harsh laugh ripped past her lips. "What must you think of me to ask such a thing?" She shook her head before he could respond. "No, I don't care to know. But you can put your concerns aside. I will live to see Corypheus dead. I'll swear to it if that will satisfy you."

"And what of what comes after?" he asked and his voice had taken on a frustrated note. "Once he is finished, will you continue on living? Or will you find a clever way to see yourself dead as well?"

"Not if I can help it," she told him coldly.

"Is that all you will say? An answer that either means nothing or worse!" He glared down his nose at her. "Things cannot be as they were between us but that does not change what I have felt for you. You are in need of help, Inquisitor, and I am willing to give it."

Anger boiled, hot and violent, and suddenly she was shoving him hard enough to send him stumbling. Ranehn snorted in alarm, eyes rolling, and sidled nervously as his reins were jerked. Once he had steadied himself, Solas put a calming hand on the horse's neck and quieted him with a few short words.

With jaw clenched, she took a step away and turned to her own horse. Yna had watched the altercation as impassively as ever but still, Saehin pet her coppery coat in long, soothing strokes. And when she noticed that her hand was shaking, she buried it in her dark mane instead.

"I did not come here to provoke you or to hurt you," Solas said, "and it seems that I have done both. I am sorry."

She looked at him. His expression had smoothed back into calm distance making her mouth settle into a hard line. She wanted to fight. To scream out all of the hurt he had caused. But anger was dangerous and treacherous and could just as easily tear her down as defend her. No. She would be strong enough on her own.

When she spoke, it was a cool demand. "Why then?"

He paused to study her briefly and she could not have said what he saw.

"Only to tell you that life- even one tied to Mythal as yours is- has worth and you should not be eager to throw it away."

"I told you once that I would not be anyone's slave," she lifted her chin a degree and met his eyes, "and I meant it."

"And how will harming yourself accomplish that?" he asked as mildly as if they were discussing the likelihood of snowfall. "The magic of the Well is lost to history and beyond our understanding. You cannot know what it is capable of."

Despite herself, she looked away."I've no plans to kill myself today or any day in the future, Solas."

"That is something, at least," he said softly enough to almost be to himself.

She grit her teeth but didn't respond. "Is that all you wanted to talk about?"

He watched her a moment then dipped his head in a shallow nod. "Yes. I will not keep you here any longer."

"Then I'm returning to Skyhold."

She unwrapped the reins from the saddle and hoisted herself up. Now that she knew about the Well, there were concerns beyond herself that needed to be addressed. She would speak to Leliana, she decided. And perhaps Cassandra, as well. She nodded to herself, satisfied. Yes, they would understand what should be done.

The sun had dipped low in the sky while they had talked and shadowed the valley below them in gray. It would be dark before she managed to reach the fortress but there was still enough light to travel the path safely. With a gentle nudge, she urged Yna to begin the careful walk down the mountain. Behind her, she could hear the creak of leather and clinking of tack as Solas mounted Ranehn and the horse's restless stamping as he settled.

The ride home was silent with Solas keeping several paces behind her and Saehin pretended it was the stinging wind that hunched her shoulders and dampened her cheeks with tears.

* * *

Saehin (say-HEEN)  
Ynaharas (eye-na-HA-ras)  
Ranehn (AH-ra-nen)

Dar'atisha- Be at peace.

Fenedhis- a common curse  
Ar lath ma. Ma emma arla- I love you. You are my home.


End file.
